roadsigns.

i.
i have searched maps, road signs,
songs, hearts. i have opened my eyes
and my hands to the rain, fairytales
singing in my ears. i have closed my eyes
and let my nightmares and demons
find me, i have

screamed on the insides, heart
barely beating. i have dreamed
of my own destruction, whispered
into the silence, prayed for the answer -



ii.
could i ask you for one last favor?

when you're sad, remember the way
i would hug you. when you're laughing,
remember that my laughter doesn't sound
the same without yours. when you're lonely,

remember that i tried to fill your empty spaces. remember
that i'd fall for you if it saved you from the
scratches, remember the color of my eyes,
remember the sound of my breathing. remember
the good and the bad, remember the secrets
and the inside jokes and the songs we listened to.
remember all the things we understood
without ever saying, remember

that i love you.
and please,

remember me.



iii.
i have forgotten how to fall asleep
without the pitter-patter of your
heartbeat, without the secrets
hidden in the folds of your eyes. my lungs
have forgotten how to breathe

without you there, without your ribs
to support me. my eyes have forgotten
how to see without the light
from you. my heart has forgotten
how to feel without the needles
and the petals from your touch,

and i have forgotten how to live without you.


iv.
you know i'm afraid of heights.

the fall scares me. i feel off balance,
and my heart races at the thought of
free-falling without a cushion underneath.
everything in me clenches, everything in me
wants to scream -

but i would've jumped off a building for you.


v.
i have searched maps and roadsigns
and prayed for the answer -

but there is no way back to you.