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insomnia.one a.m.

i couldn't sleep. i was too busy tossing and turning and throwing my pillow at the shadows dancing in my room.

i tried counting sheep, but somehow, one became two became three became fifty became purple became what the hell is wrong with me?

two a.m.

i glanced at my phone and thought about calling you. and then i realized that you're never the one to call me, and that stung, and i decided to count the stains on my ceiling instead.

some idiot set his car alarm off, and the other cars answered, forming an odd sort of melody.

i wanted to answer with a scream of my own, but i forced it to stay in.

three a.m.

sleep was calling my

missing.i remember how you found me digging through boxes in my closet one day.

'what're you looking for?' you asked.

'i'm not sure,' i replied.

you looked at me, confused. 'you don't know what you're looking for?' you asked. i only shook my head.

because i never know what's missing or what i'm looking for; only that something is lost. misplaced.

but maybe the only thing misplaced is me.

-

'what do you think of yourself?' you asked me the next day.

'what do you mean?' i replied.

'i mean,' you paused for a moment. 'how do you see yourself?'

a telephone was ringing on the t.v. in the silence that dragged on. you turned away from me, and i cou

tomorrow.i used to hold you close in the hopes that you'd keep me warm.

it worked physically, but my heart always felt colder; heavier afterwards.

you never liked to hold me, anyway.

-

you and i are not the same.

you like it when the rain falls, and you like being startled when its peace is interrupted by thunder. you like trying to catch the rain in a bucket; you try to 'save' it from colliding with the ground.

i only like to watch it fall.

you are beautiful when you cry; when your body shakes uncontrollably with sobs you can't hold in. you are open when you cry, and i can see past the marble mask you put up and i feel like i know you.

but i

worlds.today, i scribbled planets on a piece of paper and gave them names. 'friendship', 'acceptance', 'hope', 'love', and 'happiness', i called them.

then i drew a stick figure that i named 'alyssa'. i wrote a story about how she visited all of these planets and learned all about them.

(now, i can pretend to know these things. now, i can pretend to be a part of them.)

.

today, as i was on my way home, i saw a couple in the grass by the highway. they were dancing to music i couldn't hear.

for a moment, i thougth they were crazy. but a few minutes later, i felt like mourning.

because these people and their somewhat crazy actions were part of a

last night.last night the electricity went out in my neighborhood.

last night i lit some candles and burnt my fingers in the process. i watched the flames flicker in the dark and i stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror and wondered why it looked different, somehow.

last night i remembered how sometimes, when i touch people, i shock them with static electricity. and i wondered if this has any significance.

last night i reread your letters and counted them. nine. there used to be ten, but i threw one away when we had that fight, remember? and i spent the next day looking unsuccessfully in the trash for it and wishing i could control my temper.

letters.dear amber:

instead of having pillow fights,
we'll have marshmallow fights -
or try to, because
we'll end up eating all the ammo.

.

dear amber:

the melodies you play
on your flute are beautiful,
i'm sure, but
they could never be as beautiful
as your heart.

.

dear amber:

if i could heal all your wounds
and erase all your scars,
i would.
but all i have
is this pikachu band-aide.

.

dear amber:

if you're ever feeling down,
we could play games of
checkers, and you would always win
and i'd tell you embarassing stories
and secrets about myself,
just to make you smile.

car drives.one.

sometimes, when we're driving
along the freeway, i wish
we could just

stop

and sit there, watching
life and cars
pass us by.

-

two.

and if we screamed
our lungs out,
would anyone even
hear us?

-

three.

and then, with scratchy voices
and sore lungs, we could drive
to the edge of a cliff
and wonder if maybe
life is like this cliff,
and sometimes,
you have to just
take a chance and

jump

and you find out later
there's ground, and sometimes
a trampoline
at the bottom,
and suddenly -

suddenly,
you're
flying.

-

four.

or maybe life is
more like a roller coaster, and adrenaline
is rush rush rushing,
and we'

pieces of glass.i've watched the angels
in your heart burn
their halos and rip out
their wings;

shards of glass lodge
themselves in skin until
there's no hope of ever
pulling them out, until
they're a part of you;

the cold in the air
sink into me, until
sorrow is the only feeling
left in my bones;

people tear themselves apart,
and all that's left is
a pile of suffocating tears
and bloody fingernails
and broken hopes and dreams;

fairytale books erase their endings,
rewrite a tragedy
worthy of
shakespeare;

artificial lights in human minds
flicker and dim out,
and nothing is left
to chase away the shadows
lingering in corners;

i've w

wishes on stars.i. sometimes, i wish i could forget you.

sometimes, i wish i could forget the smell of your skin and the shade of your eyes and the sound of your breathing and the sound of your voice, whispering in the dark.

sometimes, i wish the guy in my memories - counting the clouds with me, climbing out my window under the stars, trying to throw rocks past the horizon, holding me, saying iloveyou- was just a faceless black shadow.

because maybe then remembering wouldn't hurt so much.

ii. i watched a t.v. show today.

in it, this beautiful girl won the lead part in some ballet performance. the dance hall was full of mirrors. she was dancing and laugh

shadows.i love studying your face under dim lights.

it's the shadows - i love how they dance on your face; the way they bring out your cheekbones, make your eyes glow.

and i love the way you always get frustrated; you say it's too dark to see, and you turn the lights back on.

the light always destroys the shadows.

(i'll tell you a secret.

sometimes, i wish you didn't.)

--

i've been having the same dream lately.

in it, i have a sword and i'm in armor. my clumsiness is gone, somehow, replaced by bravery i don't possess. i'm fighting a black knight, and he tells me that he 'fights for evil.'

'i know', i tell him. 'and this is why i fight you.'

my goodbye.i used to see your face when i closed my eyes.

sometimes, i saw you in the faces of others, too. a glance or a smile. a few flickering seconds, and i was reminded of you, and it was like you'd never left. never turned cold and left on a journey meant only for you.

dad said you used to smell like hopes and dreams, but i guess they broke. grandmother says you smelled of self-hatred and i wish i didn't understand. she says she saw this coming, she saw this coming, and i wonder why she didn't stop it.

and then i think, well, maybe she couldn't.

i don't have many memories of you. this makes me sad. dad tells stories about when you were little,

circles in the sand.you will be drawing circles in the sand when he finds you.

'why are you bothering to draw in the sand?' he'll ask. 'the waves will only wash your circles away.'

you'll finish the circle by writing love in the center, then you'll stand up to answer him, hair in your eyes from the wind and sand on your face.

'because maybe it won't get washed away,' you'll say. 'isn't it a chance worth taking?'

and instead of laughing at you like you expected, he'll smile. 'yes,' he'll say. 'oh, yes.'

--

you will be weak with lack of sleep, drowsy and stumbling, and he'll catch you before you run into the wall.

'go away,' you'll tell him. 'just go away.'

catharsis.one.

i was knocking at your door. it was
freezing cold, and the ice-rain got inside
my heart, and i was screaming please,
please, let me in. and i was knocking
at your door until my voice was
gone and my knuckles were bleeding

and you never even heard me.

two.

apparently you are a different person now. apparently you have new friends to laugh with; joke with; cry with; tell secrets to.

apparently i'm not one of those friends anymore, and this breaks my heart - not that i'd ever tell you this. apparently we are no longer major parts of each other's life anymore, although we promised each other we'd never drift apart.

i wonder if the

someday.i. i will always
be waiting for my
‘someday’.

(would you like
to wait with
me?)

ii. sometimes,
giving up and
letting go
sound awfully nice.

(you are the reason why
i don’t.)

iii. i believe that words
can paint rainbow
sunsets and rivers and
happiness and golden
skies and things full
of life.

(i’m still trying to figure out
how.)

iv. writing non-fiction
makes me feel horribly
self-conscious.

(i’m waiting
for everyone to realize
i’m nothing special.)

v. i don’t want
to belong
to anyone. i
only want to be
mine. i only want
to be
me.

(i like to pretend
i’m independent.)

already gone.mommy used to put me to sleep with horror stories.

'boys don't have hearts,' she'd say, shaking her finger in my face. 'if something doesn't have a heart, it can't fall in love with you. remember that,

remember that before you fall in love with one.'

and i don't know what scares me more -

the memories of her horror stories, or the fact that this boy has a heart.

---

'you'll feel better tomorrow morning,' she tells me. 'i promise.'

lights are swirling in the background, forming shapes. there's a heart made of an icy blue, i notice, and raindrops made of black. 'what am i supposed to feel bad about in the first place?' i ask a

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falling sickness.one.

he reminded you of comets colliding and holding your breath underwater and bedtime stories. he was your rainbow, your sunny sky, your ledge to hold onto and the song you fell asleep listening to each night.

you couldn't get him out of your head.

you didn't even want to.

two.

there was no choice, no other option. there was nothing - nothing but him and the promises in his eyes and the whispers from his lips.

there was nothing but falling.

three.

he made you smile, made you laugh, made you want to live again. the two of you would go to the park just to watch the shadows chase each other on the ground. he'd hold your hand and tell y

balance beams.one.

it is three a.m.
and even the crickets are
sleeping. the only sounds
are the commercials on t.v.
and the soft noise of my
breathing.

it is three a.m.
and my night light is broken
and it is too dark, too
quiet, and there is a monster
in my heart and

he won't go away.

two.

just so you know:

i named the monster
after you.

three.

i dreamed that we were
in a cave, black and blue. there was
a bottomless lake full of hope
and unwanted memories, and
we were

running, screaming, searching
for an exit
only to find

that there wasn't one.

four.

i spend my life on balance beams,
and

i can only try
not to fall off.

five.

photographs of us.one.

the first thing i noticed about you was your smile. it pulled me in, and i was a fool for not resisting.

i guess you could say i loved your smile more than i loved you.

two.

we watched a thunderstorm from your porch, leaves and rain falling down, wind howling, thunder roaring.

you said the flashes of lightning were beautiful, and you watched them with your eyes closed.

but i couldn't bring myself to close my eyes, not even for a second.

i was too busy staring at you.

three.

we were standing on a bridge, watching the water run run run beneath us. fireflies danced in the air, playing a game of tag that i could only watch; never jo

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voices.

by ~Amertie, Jan 12, 2009, 5:23:33 PM
Literature / Poetry / General Poetry / Free Verse

are you listening?

one.

the trains are
burning. planes are
crashing, and i can only hope
they're not yours.

tides are coming in,
breaking the shore, carrying
the ground beneath you
away, away with them,
and we can only

watch.

but see that guy over there?
he's laughing.

-

two.

there are voices
inside my head, pulling
at the roots of my hair and
banging on the walls,
begging me, screaming at me:
'please, let me out',
'please hear me, hear me,
hear me.'

-

three.

until they're all i can hear,
until i want to give in and
give up, and they've won, they've
won, until i feel like the ability

to live life fully is a dream, a hope, a
something meant only
for the lucky, until
depression fills my lungs, and
i need a new source of oxygen, and

-

four.

oh, god,
i can't breathe.

-

five.

tell me it'll be
alright. please. just lie
and say

it'll be alright.

no.

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~JUST-RAYmichael Feb 4, 2011

love it.

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~BlueSnowGiesha Jun 18, 2009

_{another tie for first :]}

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~Amertie Jun 18, 2009

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~BlueSnowGiesha Jun 18, 2009

_^-^

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!TELL-TALExHEART Feb 21, 2009

oh, you write wonderfully. This poem is amazing.

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~Amertie Feb 21, 2009

thank you.

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!TELL-TALExHEART Feb 28, 2009

you're welcome.

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~AliceWonderStar Feb 21, 2009

I love it....it is freat and so perfect for my mood right now...

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~Amertie Feb 21, 2009

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Mood: Flirty

~AliceWonderStar Feb 21, 2009

I added a couple new things from my Myspace blog...thought more people would read it here...TeeHee.

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