[x]

crashing.'think of yourself as a breath of air,' he tells me. 'compared to the overall atmosphere, you are tiny. insignificant.'

'but someone out there is breathing you in,' he continues. 'they're living off of you. you are the oxygen in their lungs, running through their veins and keeping them alive.'

i think that i'd be the polluted kind of air. the kind nobody wants. the kind that ends up killing people.

but i keep these thoughts inside.

.

'if i fell, would you catch me?' i ask, your fingers cold in mine.

'the crash is never as bad as they make it sound,' he says cryptically.

i take this to mean no.

.

'what do i remind you of?' you ask.

i

hide and don't seek.i remember how we'd go to the park.
the swings were rusty, remember? you were always the one pushing me in the autumn air, and i was always the one giddy with laughter. when we got tired, and our breaths came in shallow gasps, we'd go play games of hide and seek.

[your favorite hiding place was behind lies.]

sometimes i found you, crouched low to the ground smiling up at me. i was always scared that you wouldn't come out when i called 'i give up now.'
but you always gave yourself away to me, sometimes unwillingly.

[your deceptions were see-through, once i looked past the velvet curtains in your eyes]

.

i remember what missing you felt

rainbow crayons.i. sometimes i write your name
in rainbow crayons on the walls. sometimes
my room smells like you and sometimes
i can't stand this silence
you've left me with, because it's
a cold silence, the kind that
sneaks into my blood and leaves me

empty.

[fact: i still miss you.]

ii. dreams like this are made
to make me lose my mind;
the vibrancy and the details
are so realistic,
but what happens, isn't.
because you're still here,
and your arms are around me
(and they feel so real,
oh my God, they feel so real),
but i know that you're

gone.

[fact: i wish i could forget you, but
what would i think about then?]

iii. sometimes i wond

when i look in the mirror.one.
things you touch turn silent.

hearts can be blacked, burnt, ashy - but you take the ashes and burn, burn, burn them until there's only a memory left, a memory that's all edges and icicles.

you leave me cold, empty and
i don't want to breathe anymore.

two.
'darling, you would do well to remember-

you can't have a light at the end of the tunnel
if you have no tunnel.

darling, you would do well to remember -

you are not empty. you are not empty.
[it's still hurting, after all. it's still hurting
and you don't want to live,
but you're not empty.]

darling, you would do well to remember-

they love you. they love you,

they love

ocean burning.one.

before she met you, she would reach for the sun while standing on the branches of trees, arms stretched towards the sunlight, reaching and waiting.

now, happiness is like a summer memory in the dead of winter - still there, but fading too fast to hold onto. now, she sits on rooftops with you at night, and the two of you watch as the city lights go out one by one.

two.

sometimes, when you laughed, she was reminded of the wind rushing through trees in winter - melodic and beautiful, but still cold, unforgiving.

the two of you watched the waves of the ocean take away the beach, piece by piece.

you were the waves.

she was the sand.

t

one planet too many.i.
the substance of dreams
is hidden inside my cheek,
involuted kisses hiding nightly
where no sleight of eye will see
the same shame that crawls under
my blood like some flawless secret
residing in the hollows of my heart.

ii.
it is too early to see the stars. you
are hiding behind cloudy dreams, waiting
for them to find you, your
frost-bitten heart and crashing hopes held
in the folds of your hand.

the minutes are running away, and you wonder
if maybe you're too far gone
for them to ever find you.

iii.
or maybe the sky is too close to see,
the seconds too long to hold. every point
of light is somebody's sun and when i re

blowing bubbles.last night we
watched the clouds
fall.

and you said:
you are beautiful.

and i am afraid
that i might one day
actually believe you

and

sometimes i feel like
i'm just this big bundle
of problems and i have
been searching and
i can't find the answers.

you told me that the answers
are in blowing bubbles and
tying shoe laces and chasing
dreams, but honestly i just

don't

understand. i have tried
to chase my dreams but

they only run away.

.

you told me that you can't
stand how i sound when i
give up and the hope
is knocked out of me and
you can't stand me when
i am busy counting
the empty spaces in the
walls and

reasons you should listen.i. because you are the reason
i want to give up
sometimes. because i'll never be
as wonderful as you, and i
feel like a piece of nothing compared to you. but
you are the one holding my hand
and pushing me forward, gently,

and suddenly,
you are the reason
i keep trying.

ii. because i don't speak
often. because this
is a piece of me
i'm afraid to show.

iii. have you ever felt
like giving up? like
you're the gum stuck
on someone's shoe, and they
only want to be rid of you?
have you ever broken down
just because it feels like
no one cares?

because if you ever do,
i'll be there for you.

i promise.

iv. because i need yo

wishes on paper stars.i cut out paper stars and color them black. on starless nights, i drop them from my rooftop and watch them fall, slowly, and fade into the grass below.

and as they fall, i wish on them. it's the same wish, over and over and over.

.

'what do you want most?' you ask me, your warm brown eyes staring into my dark ones.

but i have to look away. i'll never be able to tell you that the only thing i want anymore is for you to be happy.

.

'i'm sorry,' i tell you over the phone, my eyes staring at an empty wall in my room.

'for what?' you ask, confused.

'i failed,' i say, wrapping a blanket around me. 'i failed.'

because none of those wishes h

letters to myself.dear self:

sometimes, i wonder where happiness goes
when it's lost.

.

dear self:

i have checked
under my bed
for monsters and
there are none.
i have decided
the only kind of monsters
are the ones within
people, including myself.

.

dear self:

i don't dream anymore.

i let the world
take my dreams from me
and throw them in the trash
because they said
'those will never come true'
and i believed them.

don't let them do the same
to yours.

.

dear self:

don't be afraid.

.

dear self:

none of my wishes
have come true yet,
but this does not mean
i should stop hoping
and dreaming and
wishing.

.

dear self:

you can't

my heart ran away.the sky is cold when i tell you that i don't have a heart.

'of course you do,' you tell me. 'you have to.'

but i don't. and you spent so many minutes of that day trying to find my heartbeat, your warm fingers on my icy wrists, searching and searching for something you couldn't find.

and it hurts that even you couldn't prove me wrong.

.

i drew a chalk heart on my concrete drive way and pretended it replaced my missing one.

but it was lopsided and terrible. the rain ended up washing it away in the end, and i could only stand there in the rain and watch as my messy scribbles faded away.

.

i wrote my heart a letter, asking it if it missed

living in the dark.one.

you are only
a phone call away,

but somehow, this
is much too far.

.

two.

when you are gone:
i write 'i miss you' on
my wrists. i name
my pet fish after you and
scribble gibberish on the walls.

the letters always spell out
your name.

.

three.

silence
only reminds me
of you.

.

four.

i hope you understand when i say:
i miss what you used to mean to me
more than i miss you.

.

five.

disconnected, like
the spaces between words
or separate puzzle pieces
or the clouds in the
sky.

disconnected.
that's all we are
anymore.

passport to no where.i dream of spaceships
and night skies and sunlight
sneaking through cracks
in the clouds, and i

wish hope could sneak through
the cracks in my heart. i've
tried to find my hope,
but i think i might have

lost it.

.

i'm tired
of giving up, so
could you teach me
how to hold on and have
strength and could you
clean my wounds
for me,

and would you please
promise me
you won't

fade

away from me?

.

i dream of rockets
and rainbows and
escaping to a
magical land full of
happiness and hope,
but this is only

a passport
to no where.

steps.one.

the first step is always
the hardest, like learning
to breathe and swim and wish
and sometimes, you sink and
sometimes, you need someone
to rescue you.

but when you finally learn,
it's like locks clicking and
hearts singing and holding
hands and suddenly,

everything makes sense.

.

two.

you held sadness
close to your chest, content knowing
this is something no one
can take away.

and then you start to think
that maybe, happiness could work like this,
too,
and wouldn't that be amazing?

.

three.

realize that you
want to have happy dreams
to put in photo album memories,

and you want
to write a letter
to yourself

skyscrapers.i used to reach for you, like
standing on tip-toes on a
skyscraper to reach the sky,

but you were always just out of reach
and I was out of place
and somehow my soul got lost in the atmosphere.
i lose myself in the memories of
us and wonder how much of it was ever
real.

was i a fool
for believing you
ever cared?

[i'm afraid that the answer
is yes.]

sometimes i look at my life
and wonder where you went
until i realize it doesn't
matter. the only thing that matters
is that you are
gone.

your love is a disease,
and i have no cure.
and now,
my soul is lost.
i live my life as an
empty shell, watching
the lights flickering

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More from ~Amertie

one wishif i had one wish:

there’d be a man and a woman, somewhere. except the woman’s more of a girl and the man’s more a boy. because that’s what they are, really, but they like pretending they’re grown up.

they’d be dancing. only, it wouldn’t really be dancing. it’d be more of he leads, she follows, but they’re just so cute together and they’re having fun and isn’t that what dancing is?

they think so.

he’d grab her by the wrists and say she’s beautiful. she’d smile and laugh like she believes him. he’d kiss the place over where her lungs are - not her heart. because

Today I DreamedToday I dreamed.

I dreamed I was a bird. I wasn’t sure what kind; I didn’t take time to pick one. But if anyone cares, I think it was a bluebird. Or maybe a mockingbird.

I decided I’d be the kind that never left home. I’d be happy at home, I think. You’d be a bird, too, and I’d find you and we’d have little birds and we’d build a nest and we’d be happy. Together. Isn’t that what matters?

But the thing I’d like most about being a bird is the wings. I’d be able to go anywhere, anytime. And even though I wouldn’t, I still could. It’s the idea of freedom that really matters.

my puzzle's not completeshe says:
i feel like i’m being left out,
and it’s like i’m missing
this huge puzzle piece
that everything revolves around and
i just don’t understand.

it’s a horrible feeling.
it’s like
you should know,
but you don’t,
and you feel like
the world thinks
you’re an idiot for it.

he says:
i’m sorry,
but i can’t fix it.
i don’t know how.

i feel like
someone’s laughing at me.

I LearnedHoney, what’d you learn in school today?

I learned that the world is cruel. I learned that people will try to take your dreams. They will try to rip them into tiny little shreds and then burn them; burn them until they’re only ashes and there’s no proof they existed. There’s only the memory, and you’ll start wondering if the memory was only a dream.

I learned that they do this because someone did this to them; because they’ll feel better if they drag you down into a pit of hell with them. It makes them feel like they’ve won. I’ve learned that sometimes, you’ll be just like them. Sometimes, you

unwritten wordsI wrote you
a not-so-romantic
(but still sweet)
love poem on a
sheet of paper,
and when I was through,
I realized that
my pen didn’t work.
so when you read it,
please realize that
I did have things to say -
just nothing to say them with.

Points and LinesI’m Point B;
you’re Point A.
because
I’ll say I put
myself first;
But really (when i think about it),
you come first.
and the line connecting us
has a few holes -
It’s more of a group of
dashes -
But at least it’s Something.
at least
Something
is therehere.

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falling.

by ~Amertie, Feb 1, 2009, 2:06:36 PM
Literature / Poetry / Experimental / Other

he told me:

when i think of falling,
i think of comets and
insomnia and midnight
rushes of emotions and
breaking down just to feel

something

again. he told me
when i think of falling,
i think of you.

but this is okay, because
falling things cannot be
stopped, and

.

you have always been the most
beautiful in a quiet way, like how
the moon outshines the sun, and you
have dreams like uncut glass,
waiting to be shaped or dropped or
maybe both and

you promise you won't let me
break

but i think, i think that maybe

.

i already have and you can't
undo the past and there's no point
in trying and

.

you are the kind of dream
i never want
to wake up from.

falling.by ~Amertie

Literature / Poetry / Experimental / Other

©2009-2013 ~Amertie

i wasn't going to submit this.

but

is forcing me to.

hey guys.

all of you should go give her a hug.

i'll be forever grateful to you if you do.

~~wow 0 0~~

~~sad 0 0~~

~~fear 0 0~~

~~neutral 0 0~~

~technoattic7 1 day ago Hobbyist Writer

That is really deep. I find this so true in not just my life, but so many others. A classic poem. Well done!

Reply

*urban-lingo Oct 1, 2010 Hobbyist Writer

Reply

~Koori-Sempai Jul 17, 2010

I love this.
I too shoot the comets away from me.
I don't wanna get my heart crushed by them.

Reply

Mood: Joy

~LoveMusic210 Jan 7, 2010

Wow, that was great. Terrific work!

Reply

Mood: Adoration

~Ro-B0-Jo Mar 18, 2009

All of your stories are so perfect and amazing

I shall watch you c:

Reply

~Amertie Mar 18, 2009

aw, thanks. =]
and thank you for the watch.

Reply

~xxShadowexx Feb 26, 2009

ugh, way too perfect.

I'm watching you.

Reply

~Amertie Feb 27, 2009

aww, thank you.

Reply

~xxShadowexx Feb 28, 2009

welcome. ^^

Reply

!beyondweird Feb 19, 2009

I love this, especially "have dreams like uncut glass,
waiting to be shaped or dropped or
maybe both and"

I'm thinking I need to add you to my watch...

Reply