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More from ~Amertie

letters to myself. dear self:

sometimes, i wonder where happiness goes
when it's lost.

.

dear self:

i have checked
under my bed
for monsters and
there are none.
i have decided
the only kind of monsters
are the ones within
people, including myself.

.

dear self:

i don't dream anymore.

i let the world
take my dreams from me
and throw them in the trash
because they said
'those will never come true'
and i believed them.

don't let them do the same
to yours.

.

dear self:

don't be afraid.

.

dear self:

none of my wishes
have come true yet,
but this does not mean
i should stop hoping
and dreaming and
wishing.

.

dear self:

you can't
capturing memories. if life is like a cake
and the smiles are the pieces,
i'd save the biggest one
for you.

.

whenever you feel like you've
fallen, and you can't get up,
and you don't believe in yourself -
well, i'd offer you my wings,
but they're broken, too,
and you deserve better.

[i'll just offer you my hand,
instead, and i hope it'll be
enough.]

.

sometimes, i wish i could capture memories
and put them in unbreakable glass jars.
that way, i'd never forget anything
about you, and i'd never forget
all the times you've made me smile.

.

you'll never be alone.
i promise.

even if the world abandons you,
i'll always be here. always.

[all y
car drives. one.

sometimes, when we're driving
along the freeway, i wish
we could just

stop

and sit there, watching
life and cars
pass us by.

-

two.

and if we screamed
our lungs out,
would anyone even
hear us?

-

three.

and then, with scratchy voices
and sore lungs, we could drive
to the edge of a cliff
and wonder if maybe
life is like this cliff,
and sometimes,
you have to just
take a chance and

jump

and you find out later
there's ground, and sometimes
a trampoline
at the bottom,
and suddenly -

suddenly,
you're
flying.

-

four.

or maybe life is
more like a roller coaster, and adrenaline
is rush rush rushing,
and we'
my goodbye. i used to see your face when i closed my eyes.

sometimes, i saw you in the faces of others, too. a glance or a smile. a few flickering seconds, and i was reminded of you, and it was like you'd never left. never turned cold and left on a journey meant only for you.

dad said you used to smell like hopes and dreams, but i guess they broke. grandmother says you smelled of self-hatred and i wish i didn't understand. she says she saw this coming, she saw this coming, and i wonder why she didn't stop it.

and then i think, well, maybe she couldn't.

i don't have many memories of you. this makes me sad. dad tells stories about when you were little,
fear. i. i'm not afraid
of falling; landing face down
and scraping my face on cement
or falling down and tasting mud
and having to crawl, crawl, until i find
a way back up.

i'm just afraid
that i'll never fly.

ii. sometimes i worry
about 'what if i break?' and
'what if no one can put me back
together?' and 'what if
there's no fixing broken people?'

and then i worry
about the
'what if i'm already broken?'
and it scares me.
it scares me.

iii. sometimes, i'll look
inside myself. sometimes, i never
see anything. and i want to grab a shovel
and scrape, scrape, scrape at
the top layers and maybe there's something
underneath, may
last night. last night the electricity went out in my neighborhood.

last night i lit some candles and burnt my fingers in the process. i watched the flames flicker in the dark and i stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror and wondered why it looked different, somehow.

last night i remembered how sometimes, when i touch people, i shock them with static electricity. and i wondered if this has any significance.

last night i reread your letters and counted them. nine. there used to be ten, but i threw one away when we had that fight, remember? and i spent the next day looking unsuccessfully in the trash for it and wishing i could control my temper.

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countdown.

by ~Amertie

five.

i wish to disappear
between the cracks in
cement, the stars in the
sky and the spaces between
seconds. i wish to disappear
from the world; hide and become
nothing.

but i'm too terrified
that no one will bother
to remember me.


four.

everything is
fading. light is less
bright, the colors of the world
less vibrant. life
and hope and happiness
feel like the
stars - close enough
to see; too far to ever
reach.


three.

i am at the door
to your heart. i knock,
my voice pleading for you to
just hear me, just
hear me, please.

i keep knocking until i
finally realize -

no one is home.


two.

i scream,
fingernails digging into
skin, lungs burning.
there is no escape,
there is no

escape. i scream
until life suffocates me,
until i have no voice
left, and all that remains is

silence.


one.

i am counting down
to my own destruction.
everything you do, anything
you say -

well, it's all

too late.

zero.
:iconamertie:
writing this made me feel better.

also. i'm sorry i didn't reply to all of my comments last time.

i'm just really tired.

i hope you understand.

and thank you. i'm really grateful for all of you. i hope you know that.

:heart:

and also.

happy valentine's day, everyone!
:icon:
Add a Comment:
 
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love 4 4 joy 1 1 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconsupertaate:
~SuperTaate Apr 27, 2009  Student Writer
Wow... this is beautiful, as always. :)

I found the way that you numbered this to be really interesting... yay! I liked it. ^_^

--
i had an idea for a really clever signature.

...

but i forgot.
Reply
:iconamertie:
~Amertie Apr 29, 2009
thank you. :heart:
Reply
:iconsupertaate:
~SuperTaate Apr 29, 2009  Student Writer
You're welcome. ^_^

--
i had an idea for a really clever signature.

...

but i forgot.
Reply
:iconcorkeyclue:
~corkeyclue Apr 19, 2009
"life
and hope and happiness
feel like the
stars - close enough
to see; too far to ever
reach."

love this part
Reply
:iconamertie:
~Amertie Apr 19, 2009
thanks. =]
Reply
:iconbreak-my-heart:
~break-my-heart Mar 3, 2009  Student General Artist
I love five. :heart:

--
You’ll never leave where you are, until you decide where you’d rather be.
Reply
:iconamertie:
~Amertie Mar 5, 2009
:heart: it loves you.
Reply
:iconacolorlessflower:
~AColorlessFlower Feb 28, 2009
Oh, I've felt like this before.
Amazing poem.

--
It's the truth that is haunting you.
Reply
:iconamertie:
~Amertie Feb 28, 2009
:hug:
thank you.
Reply
:iconacolorlessflower:
~AColorlessFlower Feb 28, 2009
You're welcome. (:

--
It's the truth that is haunting you.
Reply
:icon:
Add a Comment:
 
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damn. you sit,
staring at cracks
in white walls.
lyrical memories

repeat
and your only thoughts
are of this summer –

how on diving boards,
you hesitate
before

jumping;
how on friday nights
you reject
drunken bonfires
for a hole
you dug
in the sand

to hide
from noise;
how red 'x's
are scratched

on papers,
crumpled
and left
in corners

and how turning
right
isn’t always possible.damn. by ~Amertie
running. you tell me that everything has a time limit on it; friendships, days, moments, love. everything is limited, you say, so we might as well rush, run. because it's all going to end anyway, right?

so i started to notice the time stamps painted on your hands, the calendars written all over your heart. i started to wonder, how much time do we have left? how many more held hands, secrets, inside jokes, i love you's? how many more?

i wondered and ran,

ran through the forests without smelling the scent of after-rain. i ran on the darkened streets at midnight without noticing the streetlights, passing lit houses of friends and the sounds of laughterunning. by ~Amertie
LOOK A DUCK. today is the day you remember how to breathe.

there is an ocean of thoughts, nightmares, and gray days; cross it and find yourself on sandy shores and midnight blue skies;

count the stars and breathe in dreams of sunshine. wake up late with the dreams still lingering in your heart, dreams like promises and dragonfly kisses,

candlelight that won’t fade.

play on imagination like a piano, words flowing like soft melodies, painting pictures of meadows under soft skies and the smiles of kids on playgrounds; hop-scotch and held hands and snowball fights.

breathe in moonlight for a change; dance with your heart wide open and unafraid. pretLOOK A DUCK. by ~Amertie
a poem about your skin. you are covered

by land, a lithosphere,
a continent sprinkled
with snow. i watch

sky-water run
off your surface, leak
into cracks. i name
your freckles after cities,

your eyes after oceans. you
are a world, my world, but this

is only a layer.a poem about your skin. by ~Amertie
before things broke. She was beautiful, once.

But that was before.

Before, she would play in the river with her daughter. At winter, it would snow, but nothing would freeze over. She wondered how, and her daughter would laugh and say, it’s because I asked for this.

Daddy left them a long time ago. He left for work and she said, I’ll see you later, honey. He just said, yeah. Yeah, sure.

He didn’t come back.

That was December. It’s May, now, and she still misses him but her daughter doesn’t. April says he was mean to her, she didn’t really know him, he never really cared. Why should she care if he’s gone? He was no good to yobefore things broke. by ~Amertie
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