already gone.

mommy used to put me to sleep with horror stories.

'boys don't have hearts,' she'd say, shaking her finger in my face. 'if something doesn't have a heart, it can't fall in love with you. remember that,

remember that before you fall in love with one.'

and i don't know what scares me more -

the memories of her horror stories, or the fact that this boy has a heart.

---

'you'll feel better tomorrow morning,' she tells me. 'i promise.'

lights are swirling in the background, forming shapes. there's a heart made of an icy blue, i notice, and raindrops made of black.  'what am i supposed to feel bad about in the first place?' i ask after a moment.

'you'll see,' she tells me, sadness on her tongue. she turns to leave, dress swirling in the dim lights.

'wait!' i call out, and she turns around. 'who are you?'

'someone you'll know, someday,' she says cryptically.

there's a beating growing in the background now, getting faster as time passes. it reminds me of a time bomb. five minutes left till explosion.

and as it ticks, i realize who she is; who she's talking about. me.

'why can't i know who i am now, though?' i ask. 'am i that hard to find?'

'no,' she says. 'you just have to lose something - or someone - before you can find something else - in this case, yourself.'

there's an explosion the background, and i think of the hearts and raindrops and rainbow colors that will get destroyed.

i wake up crying.

---

and then i learned what i was supposed to feel bad about.

'i fucking love you!' i screamed. he shook his head sadly.

the clocks were chiming as the door slammed.

(it's time to move on, they tell me.

it's time.)